I Am Numb

Originally written 03/29/2017 like, comment, share(:


adj numb-

         1. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent:

2. Incapable of feeling emotion.

I used to dream about a future exploding with happiness. One that had a big loving house and a white picket fence, full of children, pets and laughter. A caring and adoring husband with a mutual feeling of love at first sight. The whole shabang! Unfortunately life doesn’t work out the way that we want it to. We go through things and our visions change. Our dreams turn into stories in a fairy tale and we slowly but surely realize that no matter how hard we try, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Depression, anxiety, and stress all take their toll and what we are left with are empty shells of our former selves. Everyone goes through things in their lives and how we cope depends on the person. Me personally, I go numb. I turn off my emotions and don’t let anything matter to me anymore. I cease to care about minuscule problems and people, and begin to focus on my inner self.  I shut out the world.

It’s not healthy and I wouldn’t recommend it, but it helps me.

The way our society has changed when it comes to showing emotion still baffles me. When I was younger it was the men who were told not to cry but lately it seems that women are expected to have a hardened heart as well. Anytime you show some sort of feeling, whether that be anger, love, or sadness, you are automatically slapped with a label. “She’s a crybaby” “She’s a bitch” “She’s too clingy” The list is endless. You are forced to control your emotions if you want to be publicly accepted. Society tells us to hide our emotions to the point you eventually just stop having them.

You become unresponsive. Numb.

Relationships don’t mean anything anymore. It isn’t “cool” to catch feelings for someone. It isn’t “cool” to put your heart into something. It will blow up in your face because the other person is trying to be numb as well. Relationships now consist of casual sex and barely any contact. You can’t even text your partner just to see how their day is going with out them thinking you’re trying to wrangle them into a relationship. Then things get  complicated and before you know it, whatever “relations” you had with someone are over. It’s just easier to be numb to it all rather than ride the roller coaster. It hurts less.

So, yes. I’m numb. Not by choice but self-preservation.


My Love, My Life, My Daughter


April 9th, 2013 was the day that changed my life completely. After 20+ hours of labor, 30 minutes of pushing, followed by an emergency cesarean section, I met the love of my life. I almost lost her before even meeting her and still my whole view on the world changed. My one and only goal was to keep her alive and healthy, my body be damned. Unfortunately I was the only parent that felt that way.

I tried to keep us a happy family for 3 years. 3 long years of being put down and fighting every day. 3 long years of being the only one to get up in the middle of the night and kiss the booboo’s. I fed and clothed my child with no help even though her father was there. I went to work every day and came home and took care of OUR child while he played video games or hung out with his friends. I lost everything trying to keep us together and it was literally all for nothing. I’m not bitter about it anymore but it still stings every once in a while.20170328_201717

I left. I left him and that silly dream of having her mother and father under the same roof for my child. I found an apartment that was the perfect size for me and her. We were our own family. Her father would come over frequently and try to play house but I never let it progress. My love life was not about me anymore but about what was best for my child. I decided that my child needed a male figure in her life that was actually worth something. So I left and stayed away.

I never kept her from him. He had an open invitation to come and see her whenever he wanted or take her for a few hours but he never did. It was like once he realized that he couldn’t have us both he didn’t want either of us. This became blatantly clear when he found a “new” girlfriend. You see she had a son that was a few years older than my baby. He was able to be a “dad” to him. Take him to the creek to explore, take him to wrestling practice, etc. He became so invested in this stranger’s child that he forgot about his own. Anger does not even begin to describe what I felt towards his actions in ignoring his own child.

My daughter had activities he could have attended. He went to ONE t-ball game, proclaimed it as “stupid” and never showed again. He never attended dance practice or gymnastics. He has yet to attend a birthday party or request her for holidays. But he can always be found around tax time. Oddly enough, I am okay with this. Not him trying to take advantage of my child for more money to line his wallet but for staying away.

20170328_202329You see I have an AMAZING relationship with his mother. Most people can’t stand their in-law family but these people have adopted my daughter and ME into their family completely. Rather than spending every other weekend with her father, she gets to spend it with her Gummy and Papa Dougy. They watch her while I work my crazy hours at the jail with no complaint and even ask for more time with her. Most people would think that they would only open their home to my daughter because of blood but I’ve been accepted as well. They make sure I am doing okay and that I’m feeding myself. If I look exhausted (which is most days) they offer their couch to catch a quick nap or spend the night so I don’t have to drive whether my child is leaving with me or staying there. I’ve had a lot of conversations with his mother about her son’s lack of interest in his child and we both agree that it is his loss.

For the longest time I have always thought “My child needs a father!” but that’s not the case anymore. My child is beautiful, smart, sassy, independent, athletic, driven, caring, and everything else all wrapped into one incredible human being. I wouldn’t change anything about her. It is a shame that her “dad” doesn’t want to be involved in her life but it IS his loss. I’m teaching her what it means to love yourself more than a man and to know your worth. I’m both mom and dad to her. I’m teaching her how to cook but also how to fix things around the house. She will start gymnastics here soon and also boxing classes in the fall. I’m goi20170328_202314ng to be the one to take her fishing and hunting but I’m also the one that is going to be doing her make up and costumes for dance recital. You see not having a father may hurt eventually but when she gets old enough to realize his absence she will also be old enough to understand my presence.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I could have been blessed with this amazing daughter of mine. I am truly baffled how someone could walk away from her willingly for just the thought of losing her has me in tears. There are a lot of things in this life that I could understand but I will NEVER understand why she wasn’t good enough. I will NEVER understand why he doesn’t love her like I do but that’s okay. I get the memories, the snuggles, and kisses all to myself. And the best part is that she will be okay without him. I will make sure of it.

This post was originally created in February of 2017 on my other site. I decided to post it here as well. I hope you enjoy! Comment, like, and share if you care to(:


End The Honeymoon “Phase”

I hear all the time from friends and girlfriends that they wish they had the relationship that my S/O and I have.. No I’m not bragging or exaggerating. Yes, my boyfriend and I have more great days than bad. He spoils me rotten and I do the same for him every chance I get. It’s just what we do. He listens when I speak and always validates my feelings. It’s not a fairy tale or that he feels he has to but he genuinely WANTS to. It’s part of who he is. Granted we have not spent years upon years together but I honestly feel like the longer our relationship progresses the better it gets. Yes, there are days I want to shove him into oncoming traffic on a freeway, and I’m sure he’s thought about all the places he can hide my body in the backyard, but that’s part of being a human that lives in close quarters with another human. Things happen, tempers rise, feelings get hurt. It’s how you deal with all those things that make or break a couple.

One thing that seems to have worked for my relationship is ending the “honeymoon phase” on our own and not just let it ride it’s course. At the beginning of a relationship it’s all giggles and butterflies. Nothing really of substance occurs and you two just enjoy learning each other and basking in the ambiance of happiness that surrounds you. It’s a very enjoyable head space to be in while it is going but like all relationships at the beginning it’s a roller coaster of emotion. One minute you are so in love and then the next you are anxious and self conscience about your relationship and you feel as though it is slipping through your fingers.. Stop. Just stop.  Ask yourself if the person your are having these feelings about is the one that you are going to CHOOSE to love for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, let him/her go and don’t look back. Nobody is worth stressing over if you don’t see the future you want with them. If the answer is yes, stay tuned boys and girls because the real advise is about to begin..

First off, communicate. I know everyone says that they talk to their partner about everything but how many of you actually do. Rather than saving the hard questions for later on down the road when more strings get attached, ask them now. Do they want kids? How many children? Thoughts on marriage? Future house or apartment? Do you want to rent or own? What are your dreams? What is your biggest fear? Who is the person that you hate the most in this world and why? That last one sounds weird but it will help you understand what quality someone has shown them that hurt them the most (greed, adultery, lying, etc.) and give you the ability to assure them with your actions that you will not treat them that way. If you go in to the relationship almost like a job interview it will help to get you both on the same page in what each other wants to get out of it. Approaching a relationship like this also helps ease you into deep conversations quicker and essentially fast tracking you to the point of knowing their soul. Things are a hell of a lot easier if you know someone’s soul. It makes them easier to love and your job less hard.

Second is that you have to put in work, to get work. “He doesn’t buy me flowers anymore!” “She never surprises me on my lunch break anymore!” “He is always on his phone during our alone time!”.. See the pattern here? You are too busy picking at your partners faults that you don’t stop and see what you are doing either. When was the last time you surprised him with his favorite treat? When was the last time you went to see her on her lunch break? And I know damn well the second you saw him pick up his phone you grabbed yours. Accountability people. Yes, there are a few people out there who are just perfect and never deserve to have a partner that gets complacent in the relationship. Fuck off, you two. Then there is the rest of us that fall into the degenerates category and learn to love our fat sweats over skinny jeans while at home relaxing on our days off. The only way to get out of complacency is to change the routine. So surprise him with his favorite snack, buy her the flowers, put the phones down. Make the change and then tell your partner how much you missed the things they used to do and you want to get back to that part of your relationship. If they don’t agree, bye Felicia. The relationship will only be as happy as you make it and you have to put in effort every day to make your partner feel appreciated and loved.

Society today has labeled it the “honeymoon phase” but in reality it’s an excuse. If someone is really treating you great and you both are ridiculously happy you hear “Oh hunny you are just going through the ‘honeymoon phase’, it’ll pass”. Fast forward a couple years and things are dull. You complain to your friends that your partner isn’t trying as hard as they used to and now all of a sudden you hear “well that’s because you are out of the ‘honeymoon phase'”. I’m sorry but I never got the final time frame of when this “phase” is supposed to end, anybody else? Society has used it as an excuse for shitty behavior and complacency. An excuse to not put in the effort it takes to maintain a relationship. If you communicate and put in the effort, the “phase” will never end and you will live in bliss for the rest of your days. So here’s to putting and end to the honeymoon “phase”! I hope this helps someone who needed to see it.

Like, comment, or share if you feel like it(:


Dating in 2017

It’s no secret that dating in the present day is different than going steady in the time of our grandparents. Back then the goal was marriage and now it’s not so common. Most people are too scared of commitment due to the broken homes and examples of our parents but does that mean that we should sacrifice our chance of happiness? Call me a sucker but I fully believe in love and the ability to have a “together” home.

One of our greatest downfalls in today’s society is the power of social media. It’s ironic that social media is what I’m using to get my message out there right? Wrong. I am simply using the beast against itself to become victorious. Or in this case just to help at least one person in this crazy thing we call life. But I digress..

Below is a series of valid points on how today’s dating world is different than what it used to be. Feel free to comment, like, and share this post! I hope you enjoy..

  1. Talk the talk. In today’s world there are multiple forms of communication out there available in order to talk with potential suitors. You can text, snap, DM, comment, tweet, etc. all day long with someone without having to put in really any effort. Some would say that this is ideal for their situations but for me, I’m old fashioned. I want actual PHONE CALLS or face to face conversations. You can’t judge someone’s reaction to things you’ve said through a text message. You can’t hear the emotion in their voice when they talk about their dreams. Technology has put a bland flavoring on dating and caused the experience to lose it’s zest. Less tech, more talk please!
  2. Courting? What’s that? Going on a date? Grab some flowers. Thinking of your beau? Write him a cute note. Some people believe that once you’ve made your intentions towards your cutie pie known that you don’t need to constantly try to impress them. You’ve been on the first date and did your “duties” (flowers, compliments, etc.) so there is no need to continue with it right? WRONG. Correct me if I’m wrong ladies but random flowers on a crappy day ALWAYS make the day great no matter what happened. In today’s world there is no more courting. Yes, the technical definition of courting can be summed up in no physical contact and no one-on-one time but it’s not those aspects that I want but more of the effort that is required. You would want to make a good impression on the family so you were on your best behavior. You would do thoughtful things for your potential mate rather than what you think will get you laid. BRING IT BACK!
  3. Independent females don’t need no man. Back in the day it was considered disrespectful to have your date come out to your car and not meet them at the door. It was disrespectful if your date opened the door to the restaurant or her car door. It is now weird if on your first date a guy comes to your door. It is weird if the door gets held for you. Today’s society is so “hands off” when it comes to dating that it makes me dread it. Now a days though? We have to be independent females who don’t need no man! We can drive our own cars to the date. We can open our own doors. We can pay for our own meal. I get it okay? You are self sufficient. Kudos. But have you ever considered what it feels like to be cherished? When a man cares deeply for you he will want to do these things. Not because he thinks you can’t do them yourself but because he wants to show you RESPECT. Since the beginning of time it has been ingrained in men’s DNA to take care of his woman. So let it happen! Quit bitchin’ and let him do the little things in life to show that he cares.
  4. Ghostin’ it homie. Everyone in the history of dating has either cancelled a date or been cancelled on, that is no exaggeration. What most people fail to tell you is how many people they’ve “ghosted” or had go “ghost” on them. Ghost is a fairly new term used today to signify ignoring someone or being ignored. When there is any type on conflict in the relationship or someone learns of one of your quirks and can’t hang they go “ghost”. No calls, no texts, no contact at all. Personally I feel this is very disrespectful. If you don’t want to be with someone there is definitely no shame in that but TELL THAT PERSON. Don’t just go ghost and leave them wondering. It’s also popular now days to not follow thru on what you said. If you set up a date, go. If you told them you’d call them later, call. It’s not that hard to be accountable for your words and it seems in today’s day and age that it’s acceptable to be a flake. Not to me. It’s never okay so be a flake. Especially a SNOW FLAKE. hahaha
  5.  Ready, Set.. ACTION! Actions speak louder than words. Let me say it for those in the back.. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! In a world full of technology it is increasingly easy to send a text or message and tell someone you miss them or you’re thinking of them but that’s not enough. As in the first sentence of this section I stated that actions speak louder than words and that could not be more true. You miss me? Prove it. Take me on a date or just come spend time with me at home. You’re thinking about me in the middle of the work day? Give me a call or meet me for lunch somewhere. It is not enough to just tell people things, you have to actually do what you say. Don’t tell me that you want to see me in an expensive dress all dolled up but never give me the opportunity. Don’t tell me you miss me and then cancel plans we had or not make any effort to actually see me. Actions, people. Actions.

So there is my take on dating now vs dating back in the “good ole days”. Like it, share it, and don’t forget to comment! See you guys next time!


Learn To Love Again

I hear a lot of people talking about how they get “stuck” in relationships. Not stuck as in they want to leave their partner and can’t but that they feel their relationship has peaked and they can’t seem to move forward. The feeling doesn’t have to be dramatic and could be as minuscule as just not feeling the honeymoon phase AS much. I am in no way, shape, or form, an expert at relationships (look at my track record for proof) but I feel like there are certain things that you can do to get that “stuck” feeling to stick somewhere else. Below are five tips on what works for my relationship:

  1. Time. As relationships evolve, and you become more of a WE as opposed to a ME, things in your daily routines are going to change as well. Maybe one of you (or both) have switched jobs? Maybe a new hobby has been found? Or maybe one of you is just super busy at work? Either way you don’t feel like you are spending as much quality time together, and let’s face it, those days of cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie are over. You both end up falling asleep within minutes and the kinks in your back from sleeping on the couch only get worse with age and don’t seem worth it anymore. My advice to you is…… 10 minutes. 10 minutes a day can do wonders for a relationship. No talking, no cell phones, no kids FOR 10 MINUTES. Jump in bed with your partner (especially if you are on different sleep schedules like my S/O and I) and wrap your arms around each other. Position doesn’t matter whether you do big spoon/little spoon, chest to chest, the “perfect circle”, etc., as long as you take 10 minutes to just breathe. This will make you feel grounded with your partner and it will make all the little things in the world that are going wrong just fade away. You will feel connected again.
  2. Do something nice. At the beginning of relationships EVERYONE wants to make an impression on their potential mate. Whether that means buying their favorite candy on the way over to their house “just because” or grabbing them a drink from the fridge while you are up during a movie. You find yourself doing little things for your S/O just to be nice but at a certain point in your relationship you stop doing those things. You look back and realize you haven’t bought them candy in months or you find yourself sitting back down on the couch with your own stuff and are left empty handed when it comes to them. You not only realize your side of things is lacking but so is theirs. How to change this? Start over when it comes to the little things. Buy that candy bar you know they love, grab that soda out of the fridge for them, throw their bath towel in the dryer while they are showering so they can have a nice and toasty cotton hug at the end of a long warm shower. *Hint hint Michael* I promise that if your partner is worth their salt than when you start making these changes, so will they and you both will learn to love again.
  3. Chores. Okay so let’s be real for a second and say that no one on God’s green earth likes doing chores. They are the epitome of evil. One damper in a relationship is when one or both partners stop doing their share of the devils work. Either the trash is over flowing or the animal hair on the floor is starting to look like additional pets running around, something needs to change. Who said that only one person can work on a certain chore at a time? Why not work together to get the house squeaky clean? You sweep, he mops. You pick up the floor, he clears off the flat surfaces that seem like a catch all. It’s a partnership for a reason. No one person should have to carry the load. Not only will you feel more appreciated when they help but it’s also more time together. Nothing says bonding moment like scrubbing a dirty, stinky, grungy bathroom clean TOGETHER.
  4. What’s for dinner? One thing that I have noticed when it comes to my own relationship is that I spend a decent amount of time in the kitchen cooking a meal while my S/O is in another room doing something else. Some times it’s nice to have that alone time in my own domain and to be the ruler of the kitchen without the questioning of a male but most of the time I just want to be around Michael. So how do I change that? We cook together. He can barely boil water and I can feed an army a four course meal in less than an hour but when we both get into the kitchen together it is nothing but fun. We pick a meal or recipe that neither of us has done before and give it our best shot. This can sometimes start little arguments (because neither one of us can be wrong) but those are easily squashed after a few taste tests that go awry and land on the other’s face. So cook a meal together, kill a bottle of wine, and learn to learn with each other again. You learned so many new things when you first started dating and it’s time to get that back. If you don’t have the time or patience to cook together than start making detours to show them love. If you are cooking than take a break and find them in the house just for a quick kiss. If they are cooking than pop in and out of the kitchen just to wrap your arms around them while they are hard at work. They will appreciate the random caresses and you will enjoy them as well.
  5. Arguments shmarguments. It’s no secret that couples fight. With some couples the whole neighborhood knows that they fight like starving lions going at each other over a dead antelope in the hot sun. There really are no tricks to avoiding arguments but there is one major trick that I have found works (FOR ME) during those pesky petty arguments. You’ve heard of the saying “Don’t go to bed angry” right? Well I live by that. The only issue is some problems you can’t just talk out and everything will be fine. So then what do I do when talking is going no where? I feel. Literally. I look my S/O in the eyes and take a deep breath. I feel the air go in and out of my lungs and I pause for a few seconds. I think about our relationship and whether the clothes on the floor next to the laundry basket is worth the damage that the argument is doing to us. If it’s not, then I give him a hug. Not a church hug from the side but a full contact, chest to chest, no room for even Jesus in between, kind of hug. And I just hold him. I breathe and I hold him. 9/10 times no matter how angry or irritated he is, he will start hugging back. Hold each other for as long as it takes to make the anger and fight seep right out of you both. Obviously this technique isn’t going to work for major problems but the petty little day to day arguments will get nipped in the butt real quick. After you hug it out for a few minutes then take a seat on the couch and try to talk about it again except this time, hold hands. It’s hard to get worked up when you don’t have your hands winding you up while you’re talking. (You know what I’m talking about ladies! We love to talk with our hands)

So that’s my advice. It’s not the best but it works for me. Anytime I’m feeling a little disconnected I ponder back on these tips and tricks and determine if I can change anything to get back to where my relationship was. I love my guy and I love our relationship but no two relationships are the same. Take my advice and see if it works for you. If not? Sorry Charlie but I tried. I hope you enjoyed my first blog post, feel free to share with your friends!