Poetry

My Poetry

One of the things that I love most about poetry is that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ when it comes to great poetry. The only thing that matters is if the most important question was answered.. Did it make you feel something? In this category you will find all sorts of little things that I have come up with that at one time made me feel something. Whether its longing, hurt, emptiness, pain.. I will let you decide. One single poem is never interpreted the same by two people and that is why I believe it is so beautiful. I hope you guys enjoy!(:

Advertisements
DIY

‘Turn Away’ Wreath

20180221_232807This project was probably one of the most fun projects that I’ve made recently and if you know me, I am always working on something. The back story to this project is actually kind of comical because I asked my boyfriend for advice on a certain part and the response he gave me was what we ended up with.

For this project you will need:

  • a twig wreath (I found mine at the DAV for $3.99 SCORE!)
  • your favorite FAKE flowers (Try to match colors and types to the theme you want to make)
  • hot glue gun
  • white paint and paint brush
  • twine (any size)
  • flat wood that reaches from one side of the wreath to the other depending on where you want to place it
  • fishing line
  • a flat surface to work on

First I want you to set your plain wreath on your flat surface with the side that you want to place the flowers on closest to you. Place your wood on top of the wreath how you want it to be for the final product. This is so that when you place your flowers you don’t accidentally cover where you want your wood.

Next go ahead and place your flowers in the wreath how you want them to look. Feel free to get creative and put different sizes and colors next to each other. The goal with mine was to make it look as though a spring bouquet straight from the florist was used. I think I did pretty good with it (;

Once you have your flowers all laid out go ahead and take them all off and place them next to your wreath in the order you have them placed. Start gluing them down ONE BY ONE. This part is a lot of fun because after you get done gluing you can always add things in areas that have blank spots. You can also add more around the sides as well since the glue will hold them in place as opposed to just gravity like before.

Now that you have all of your flowers placed and glued it is time to work on your sign. What you paint on your sign is totally up to you but don’t be afraid to go a little crazy. My boyfriend told me that I should right ‘Fuck Off’ but with a soon to be 5 year old learning how to read, I decided against it. Feel free to use whatever script you like and make it as bold as you want. Set it aside and let it dry!

Once your board dries it is time to decorate with twine and attach it to your wreath. I did this by wrapping my twine on one end repeatedly to give it a layered/rustic look. Tie it off with a bow on just the one end and then repeat on the other side. You also have the option of tying it off and just gluing a twine bow on if you don’t like the look/placement of your bow. After you have both ends of the board decorated with your twine go ahead and place the board back on the wreath where you want to secure it. Cut two lengths of the fishing line (about 12 inches each) and lay it across the board next to each of the wrapped twine. Weave each end of the line thru the wreath and tie together on the back to secure the wood to the twigs. If it does not feel secure enough to you, you can always hit it with some glue as well.

Now it’s time to hang your wreath from your door and display it proudly(:

 

Comment, like, and share(:

Adventures

First [EVER] Family Vacation

It all started out as a normal day on Thursday the 25th of January until my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to pack an overnight bag for myself and my daughter and prepare the pets for an overnight stay at their Grandma’s house. Naturally I’m thinking ‘Okay, why?’. Little did I know that the question of why would go unanswered until the next day half way through our trip. Michael did not help my anxiety at all by refusing to tell me why but his intentions were sweet.

We were supposed to go on a hike the next day but we ended up having to cancel due toSnapchat-881504544 Snapchat-1447415466no baby sitter so the fact that he still had plans to go out of town with me was something new. Especially since whatever it was he had planned was apparently kid friendly now. So I do the dutiful thing and pack the bags, get the kennels together, and prepare the house for 24 hours of vacancy. Michael gets home from work the next day and we head out. 2 hours into the drive he finally tells me that we are going to St. Louis but still won’t tell me where. We eventually pulled up to the zoo and I finally relaxed a little bit. The weather was perfect so we walked around the zoo for a couple hours before getting back on the road en-route to our next destination. Skylar was having a blast and Michael was making my heart melt all over again with how interactive he was with her. We stopped by the gift shop on the way out and he bought her a cheetah that she still carries around everywhere to this day. It was a good zoo trip.

After walking around the zoo we headed to the City Museum. I had seen pictures of it butSnapchat-2077340111Snapchat-1799881977 nothing could prepare me for the amount of beauty that I found there. It was all metal and hard lines but delicately beautiful. Skylar and Michael were both having the time of their lives climbing in and out of the structures. This Mamma is terrified of heights unless it’s a roller coaster so any smiles that I wore that day was strictly for them. Michael was so patient with Skylar when it came to some of the obstacles. “You are brave, you are strong, you can do this” was our mantra for the day and thankfully it has stuck since. The day was glorious.

After that we headed back to a hotel that just so happened to be located right next to the arch. It was perfect. We ate dinner at the hotel restaurant and hit the hay from exhaustion. The next day we headed back home a little sore and bruised but the bond that we acquired can never be replaced. What started out as a surprise trip turned into our first family vacation that I couldn’t forget if you paid me to. All in all it was a great 24 hours.

Snapchat-2131223135Snapchat-1399079271Snapchat-620287690Snapchat-42911907

 

Comment, like or share(:

relationships

I Am Numb

Originally written 03/29/2017 like, comment, share(:

Numb

adj numb-

         1. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent:

2. Incapable of feeling emotion.

I used to dream about a future exploding with happiness. One that had a big loving house and a white picket fence, full of children, pets and laughter. A caring and adoring husband with a mutual feeling of love at first sight. The whole shabang! Unfortunately life doesn’t work out the way that we want it to. We go through things and our visions change. Our dreams turn into stories in a fairy tale and we slowly but surely realize that no matter how hard we try, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Depression, anxiety, and stress all take their toll and what we are left with are empty shells of our former selves. Everyone goes through things in their lives and how we cope depends on the person. Me personally, I go numb. I turn off my emotions and don’t let anything matter to me anymore. I cease to care about minuscule problems and people, and begin to focus on my inner self.  I shut out the world.

It’s not healthy and I wouldn’t recommend it, but it helps me.

The way our society has changed when it comes to showing emotion still baffles me. When I was younger it was the men who were told not to cry but lately it seems that women are expected to have a hardened heart as well. Anytime you show some sort of feeling, whether that be anger, love, or sadness, you are automatically slapped with a label. “She’s a crybaby” “She’s a bitch” “She’s too clingy” The list is endless. You are forced to control your emotions if you want to be publicly accepted. Society tells us to hide our emotions to the point you eventually just stop having them.

You become unresponsive. Numb.

Relationships don’t mean anything anymore. It isn’t “cool” to catch feelings for someone. It isn’t “cool” to put your heart into something. It will blow up in your face because the other person is trying to be numb as well. Relationships now consist of casual sex and barely any contact. You can’t even text your partner just to see how their day is going with out them thinking you’re trying to wrangle them into a relationship. Then things get  complicated and before you know it, whatever “relations” you had with someone are over. It’s just easier to be numb to it all rather than ride the roller coaster. It hurts less.

So, yes. I’m numb. Not by choice but self-preservation.

relationships

My Love, My Life, My Daughter

20170328_20234320170328_20233220170328_20230720170328_202253

April 9th, 2013 was the day that changed my life completely. After 20+ hours of labor, 30 minutes of pushing, followed by an emergency cesarean section, I met the love of my life. I almost lost her before even meeting her and still my whole view on the world changed. My one and only goal was to keep her alive and healthy, my body be damned. Unfortunately I was the only parent that felt that way.

I tried to keep us a happy family for 3 years. 3 long years of being put down and fighting every day. 3 long years of being the only one to get up in the middle of the night and kiss the booboo’s. I fed and clothed my child with no help even though her father was there. I went to work every day and came home and took care of OUR child while he played video games or hung out with his friends. I lost everything trying to keep us together and it was literally all for nothing. I’m not bitter about it anymore but it still stings every once in a while.20170328_201717

I left. I left him and that silly dream of having her mother and father under the same roof for my child. I found an apartment that was the perfect size for me and her. We were our own family. Her father would come over frequently and try to play house but I never let it progress. My love life was not about me anymore but about what was best for my child. I decided that my child needed a male figure in her life that was actually worth something. So I left and stayed away.

I never kept her from him. He had an open invitation to come and see her whenever he wanted or take her for a few hours but he never did. It was like once he realized that he couldn’t have us both he didn’t want either of us. This became blatantly clear when he found a “new” girlfriend. You see she had a son that was a few years older than my baby. He was able to be a “dad” to him. Take him to the creek to explore, take him to wrestling practice, etc. He became so invested in this stranger’s child that he forgot about his own. Anger does not even begin to describe what I felt towards his actions in ignoring his own child.

My daughter had activities he could have attended. He went to ONE t-ball game, proclaimed it as “stupid” and never showed again. He never attended dance practice or gymnastics. He has yet to attend a birthday party or request her for holidays. But he can always be found around tax time. Oddly enough, I am okay with this. Not him trying to take advantage of my child for more money to line his wallet but for staying away.

20170328_202329You see I have an AMAZING relationship with his mother. Most people can’t stand their in-law family but these people have adopted my daughter and ME into their family completely. Rather than spending every other weekend with her father, she gets to spend it with her Gummy and Papa Dougy. They watch her while I work my crazy hours at the jail with no complaint and even ask for more time with her. Most people would think that they would only open their home to my daughter because of blood but I’ve been accepted as well. They make sure I am doing okay and that I’m feeding myself. If I look exhausted (which is most days) they offer their couch to catch a quick nap or spend the night so I don’t have to drive whether my child is leaving with me or staying there. I’ve had a lot of conversations with his mother about her son’s lack of interest in his child and we both agree that it is his loss.

For the longest time I have always thought “My child needs a father!” but that’s not the case anymore. My child is beautiful, smart, sassy, independent, athletic, driven, caring, and everything else all wrapped into one incredible human being. I wouldn’t change anything about her. It is a shame that her “dad” doesn’t want to be involved in her life but it IS his loss. I’m teaching her what it means to love yourself more than a man and to know your worth. I’m both mom and dad to her. I’m teaching her how to cook but also how to fix things around the house. She will start gymnastics here soon and also boxing classes in the fall. I’m goi20170328_202314ng to be the one to take her fishing and hunting but I’m also the one that is going to be doing her make up and costumes for dance recital. You see not having a father may hurt eventually but when she gets old enough to realize his absence she will also be old enough to understand my presence.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I could have been blessed with this amazing daughter of mine. I am truly baffled how someone could walk away from her willingly for just the thought of losing her has me in tears. There are a lot of things in this life that I could understand but I will NEVER understand why she wasn’t good enough. I will NEVER understand why he doesn’t love her like I do but that’s okay. I get the memories, the snuggles, and kisses all to myself. And the best part is that she will be okay without him. I will make sure of it.

This post was originally created in February of 2017 on my other site. I decided to post it here as well. I hope you enjoy! Comment, like, and share if you care to(:

relationships

End The Honeymoon “Phase”

I hear all the time from friends and girlfriends that they wish they had the relationship that my S/O and I have.. No I’m not bragging or exaggerating. Yes, my boyfriend and I have more great days than bad. He spoils me rotten and I do the same for him every chance I get. It’s just what we do. He listens when I speak and always validates my feelings. It’s not a fairy tale or that he feels he has to but he genuinely WANTS to. It’s part of who he is. Granted we have not spent years upon years together but I honestly feel like the longer our relationship progresses the better it gets. Yes, there are days I want to shove him into oncoming traffic on a freeway, and I’m sure he’s thought about all the places he can hide my body in the backyard, but that’s part of being a human that lives in close quarters with another human. Things happen, tempers rise, feelings get hurt. It’s how you deal with all those things that make or break a couple.

One thing that seems to have worked for my relationship is ending the “honeymoon phase” on our own and not just let it ride it’s course. At the beginning of a relationship it’s all giggles and butterflies. Nothing really of substance occurs and you two just enjoy learning each other and basking in the ambiance of happiness that surrounds you. It’s a very enjoyable head space to be in while it is going but like all relationships at the beginning it’s a roller coaster of emotion. One minute you are so in love and then the next you are anxious and self conscience about your relationship and you feel as though it is slipping through your fingers.. Stop. Just stop.  Ask yourself if the person your are having these feelings about is the one that you are going to CHOOSE to love for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, let him/her go and don’t look back. Nobody is worth stressing over if you don’t see the future you want with them. If the answer is yes, stay tuned boys and girls because the real advise is about to begin..

First off, communicate. I know everyone says that they talk to their partner about everything but how many of you actually do. Rather than saving the hard questions for later on down the road when more strings get attached, ask them now. Do they want kids? How many children? Thoughts on marriage? Future house or apartment? Do you want to rent or own? What are your dreams? What is your biggest fear? Who is the person that you hate the most in this world and why? That last one sounds weird but it will help you understand what quality someone has shown them that hurt them the most (greed, adultery, lying, etc.) and give you the ability to assure them with your actions that you will not treat them that way. If you go in to the relationship almost like a job interview it will help to get you both on the same page in what each other wants to get out of it. Approaching a relationship like this also helps ease you into deep conversations quicker and essentially fast tracking you to the point of knowing their soul. Things are a hell of a lot easier if you know someone’s soul. It makes them easier to love and your job less hard.

Second is that you have to put in work, to get work. “He doesn’t buy me flowers anymore!” “She never surprises me on my lunch break anymore!” “He is always on his phone during our alone time!”.. See the pattern here? You are too busy picking at your partners faults that you don’t stop and see what you are doing either. When was the last time you surprised him with his favorite treat? When was the last time you went to see her on her lunch break? And I know damn well the second you saw him pick up his phone you grabbed yours. Accountability people. Yes, there are a few people out there who are just perfect and never deserve to have a partner that gets complacent in the relationship. Fuck off, you two. Then there is the rest of us that fall into the degenerates category and learn to love our fat sweats over skinny jeans while at home relaxing on our days off. The only way to get out of complacency is to change the routine. So surprise him with his favorite snack, buy her the flowers, put the phones down. Make the change and then tell your partner how much you missed the things they used to do and you want to get back to that part of your relationship. If they don’t agree, bye Felicia. The relationship will only be as happy as you make it and you have to put in effort every day to make your partner feel appreciated and loved.

Society today has labeled it the “honeymoon phase” but in reality it’s an excuse. If someone is really treating you great and you both are ridiculously happy you hear “Oh hunny you are just going through the ‘honeymoon phase’, it’ll pass”. Fast forward a couple years and things are dull. You complain to your friends that your partner isn’t trying as hard as they used to and now all of a sudden you hear “well that’s because you are out of the ‘honeymoon phase'”. I’m sorry but I never got the final time frame of when this “phase” is supposed to end, anybody else? Society has used it as an excuse for shitty behavior and complacency. An excuse to not put in the effort it takes to maintain a relationship. If you communicate and put in the effort, the “phase” will never end and you will live in bliss for the rest of your days. So here’s to putting and end to the honeymoon “phase”! I hope this helps someone who needed to see it.

Like, comment, or share if you feel like it(:

Snack Attack

Crab Goo

So this recipe began completely as an experiment with my dad. We have a deep seated love for Chinese food so naturally we wanted to create something of our own to capture the essence of the original Crab Rangoon. Our version is baked instead of fried but I would be lying if I said it was just “good”.. It is incredible! This dish is an all time family favorite and requested by many for repeats. Have fun getting hands-on with this one! I hope you enjoy and feel free to share. Don’t forget to comment if you decide to try this out, let me know what you think!

Crab Goo

Ingredients:

  1. 8 oz Philadelphia Cream Cheese
  2. 6 oz canned crab meat (shredded only)
  3. 1 celery stick
  4. 1 can Pillsbury Flaky Layers Biscuits (original style)
  5. “Perfect Pinch” Cajun Seasoning

You will also need non-stick spray, a baking sheet, a mixing bowl, a knife w/cutting board, and an oven..

Let’s Get Down To Business:

  • Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Chop up your celery stick into small pieces (the smaller the better) and drain your crab meat. Also go ahead and spray your baking sheet down with your non-stick spray, this process goes by quickly and you want to be ready when it happens.
  • Put together your cheese, crab meat, celery into your mixing bowl. Now here is the tricky part so LISTEN UP! BEFORE you mix together the ingredients, cover the contents with the seasoning in a thin layer of orange. Mix together everything by hand until completely combined and taste. Add more seasoning depending on your preference. (With my family having strong roots in the south, we like a lot of seasoning)
  • Once you are mixed go ahead and open up your biscuits. Split each biscuit into two and stretch one part to the size of your palm. Take a small ball of goop and place it in the center of the biscuit than fold the corners over to seal. Make sure not to use too much goo so you don’t run out before your out of biscuits. I normally use about a tablespoon.
  • Place ball on your baking sheet with the folded side down and repeat the process until you are out of biscuits. Feel free to munch on any excess goo with some Ritz crackers.. You know you want to!
  • Bake your sheet full of deliciousness for about 15-18 minutes. The puffs of heaven should be a nice golden brown on top when they are finished.
  • Remove from oven and let them sit for 2-3 minutes. Put them on a plate and grub on!

Full disclosure, these little balls of goo have the full potential of being addicting. If made correctly, you will be ruined for all crab rangoon. Enjoy(: