relationships

My Love, My Life, My Daughter

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April 9th, 2013 was the day that changed my life completely. After 20+ hours of labor, 30 minutes of pushing, followed by an emergency cesarean section, I met the love of my life. I almost lost her before even meeting her and still my whole view on the world changed. My one and only goal was to keep her alive and healthy, my body be damned. Unfortunately I was the only parent that felt that way.

I tried to keep us a happy family for 3 years. 3 long years of being put down and fighting every day. 3 long years of being the only one to get up in the middle of the night and kiss the booboo’s. I fed and clothed my child with no help even though her father was there. I went to work every day and came home and took care of OUR child while he played video games or hung out with his friends. I lost everything trying to keep us together and it was literally all for nothing. I’m not bitter about it anymore but it still stings every once in a while.20170328_201717

I left. I left him and that silly dream of having her mother and father under the same roof for my child. I found an apartment that was the perfect size for me and her. We were our own family. Her father would come over frequently and try to play house but I never let it progress. My love life was not about me anymore but about what was best for my child. I decided that my child needed a male figure in her life that was actually worth something. So I left and stayed away.

I never kept her from him. He had an open invitation to come and see her whenever he wanted or take her for a few hours but he never did. It was like once he realized that he couldn’t have us both he didn’t want either of us. This became blatantly clear when he found a “new” girlfriend. You see she had a son that was a few years older than my baby. He was able to be a “dad” to him. Take him to the creek to explore, take him to wrestling practice, etc. He became so invested in this stranger’s child that he forgot about his own. Anger does not even begin to describe what I felt towards his actions in ignoring his own child.

My daughter had activities he could have attended. He went to ONE t-ball game, proclaimed it as “stupid” and never showed again. He never attended dance practice or gymnastics. He has yet to attend a birthday party or request her for holidays. But he can always be found around tax time. Oddly enough, I am okay with this. Not him trying to take advantage of my child for more money to line his wallet but for staying away.

20170328_202329You see I have an AMAZING relationship with his mother. Most people can’t stand their in-law family but these people have adopted my daughter and ME into their family completely. Rather than spending every other weekend with her father, she gets to spend it with her Gummy and Papa Dougy. They watch her while I work my crazy hours at the jail with no complaint and even ask for more time with her. Most people would think that they would only open their home to my daughter because of blood but I’ve been accepted as well. They make sure I am doing okay and that I’m feeding myself. If I look exhausted (which is most days) they offer their couch to catch a quick nap or spend the night so I don’t have to drive whether my child is leaving with me or staying there. I’ve had a lot of conversations with his mother about her son’s lack of interest in his child and we both agree that it is his loss.

For the longest time I have always thought “My child needs a father!” but that’s not the case anymore. My child is beautiful, smart, sassy, independent, athletic, driven, caring, and everything else all wrapped into one incredible human being. I wouldn’t change anything about her. It is a shame that her “dad” doesn’t want to be involved in her life but it IS his loss. I’m teaching her what it means to love yourself more than a man and to know your worth. I’m both mom and dad to her. I’m teaching her how to cook but also how to fix things around the house. She will start gymnastics here soon and also boxing classes in the fall. I’m goi20170328_202314ng to be the one to take her fishing and hunting but I’m also the one that is going to be doing her make up and costumes for dance recital. You see not having a father may hurt eventually but when she gets old enough to realize his absence she will also be old enough to understand my presence.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I could have been blessed with this amazing daughter of mine. I am truly baffled how someone could walk away from her willingly for just the thought of losing her has me in tears. There are a lot of things in this life that I could understand but I will NEVER understand why she wasn’t good enough. I will NEVER understand why he doesn’t love her like I do but that’s okay. I get the memories, the snuggles, and kisses all to myself. And the best part is that she will be okay without him. I will make sure of it.

This post was originally created in February of 2017 on my other site. I decided to post it here as well. I hope you enjoy! Comment, like, and share if you care to(:

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