relationships

I Am Numb

Originally written 03/29/2017 like, comment, share(:

Numb

adj numb-

         1. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent:

2. Incapable of feeling emotion.

I used to dream about a future exploding with happiness. One that had a big loving house and a white picket fence, full of children, pets and laughter. A caring and adoring husband with a mutual feeling of love at first sight. The whole shabang! Unfortunately life doesn’t work out the way that we want it to. We go through things and our visions change. Our dreams turn into stories in a fairy tale and we slowly but surely realize that no matter how hard we try, sometimes it just doesn’t happen.

Depression, anxiety, and stress all take their toll and what we are left with are empty shells of our former selves. Everyone goes through things in their lives and how we cope depends on the person. Me personally, I go numb. I turn off my emotions and don’t let anything matter to me anymore. I cease to care about minuscule problems and people, and begin to focus on my inner self.  I shut out the world.

It’s not healthy and I wouldn’t recommend it, but it helps me.

The way our society has changed when it comes to showing emotion still baffles me. When I was younger it was the men who were told not to cry but lately it seems that women are expected to have a hardened heart as well. Anytime you show some sort of feeling, whether that be anger, love, or sadness, you are automatically slapped with a label. “She’s a crybaby” “She’s a bitch” “She’s too clingy” The list is endless. You are forced to control your emotions if you want to be publicly accepted. Society tells us to hide our emotions to the point you eventually just stop having them.

You become unresponsive. Numb.

Relationships don’t mean anything anymore. It isn’t “cool” to catch feelings for someone. It isn’t “cool” to put your heart into something. It will blow up in your face because the other person is trying to be numb as well. Relationships now consist of casual sex and barely any contact. You can’t even text your partner just to see how their day is going with out them thinking you’re trying to wrangle them into a relationship. Then things get  complicated and before you know it, whatever “relations” you had with someone are over. It’s just easier to be numb to it all rather than ride the roller coaster. It hurts less.

So, yes. I’m numb. Not by choice but self-preservation.

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